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Local Professionals Form Rock Band, Cite Latex Magnate as Primary Influence

“People hear Zeppelin. We hear supply-chain logistics.”

By Skip Needleman | Feedback Magazine

Rock history has its visionaries: Bowie. Hendrix. The mysterious man who decided every song needed cowbell.

Now, a band of attorneys, a CPA, financial advisors, contractors, and a school district maintenance specialist is drawing inspiration from an even more elusive figure: latex importer/exporter and distinguished jurist Art Vandelay.

“People focus on the latex,” said one member. “But the judging was equally important.”

Asked which court Vandelay served on, the band’s attorney stared silently at our reporter until we withdrew the question.

The group formed after its members discovered a shared love of classic rock and an overlapping 47-minute opening in their calendars.

Early rehearsals were difficult. The contractors demolished the bridge before the guitarist could play it. The CPA refused to recognize an unearned encore. A financial advisor moved 40 percent of the drummer’s cymbals into bonds.

“We were overexposed to metal,” he explained.

The school district maintenance specialist restored power, fixed the amplifier, and quietly determined that everyone else’s graduate degrees were of limited use at that moment.

Their breakthrough came when Art Vandelay appeared to them in a shared vision during a particularly long sound check.

“He stood in a shipping container wearing judicial robes,” the bassist recalled. “He said, ‘You’ve got to import the funk before you can export the rock.’ Then he sustained an objection nobody had made.”

All members insist they were sober.

“We have documentation,” said the CPA.

The band now rehearses beneath a commissioned portrait of Vandelay inspecting surgical gloves while sentencing a man to 30 years of smooth jazz.

Before each performance, a bailiff asks the audience to rise. Anyone who remains seated receives a complimentary consultation.

The maintenance specialist carries a ring of 163 keys, including one that opens the show.

“He won’t tell us which one,” said the singer. “He says we need to submit a work order.”

Their first gig briefly stalled when the attorneys classified “Free Bird” as a nonbinding audience suggestion, while the contractors submitted a change order for the additional nine minutes.

The maintenance specialist ended the dispute by switching the venue to its summer custodial schedule. Everyone was outside by 8:15.

Backstage, the atmosphere is pure rock and roll: sparkling water, labeled earplugs, and a heated argument about whether fog-machine fluid belongs under supplies or cost of goods sold.

At one point, a member hurled a television through a hotel window. The contractor caught it, installed a larger window, and invoiced the hotel. The maintenance specialist produced an identical replacement television from a school district storage room.

“Surplus,” he said. “Don’t touch the cart. That’s structural.”

Despite growing interest, the band refuses to compromise its artistic principles.

“We turned down a record deal,” said the singer. “They wanted our masters.”

He paused.

“Several of us have postgraduate degrees. We know what those cost.”

Their debut album, Sustained! Live at the Port Authority, will be released as soon as the container arrives and someone locates the correct hex wrench.

Art Vandelay could not be reached for comment. His office said he was in court, at sea, and available Thursday.